fleur de lune process writeup

(originally posted to Patreon on May 4 2022)

ah... it felt bittersweet to work on this... i'm really happy i was able to make this piece in the end, and i'm proud of how it came out. but there were also a lot of moments where i was reminded why i wanted to stop working on lingerie illustrations.

it's complicated. it's very complicated. it's not as simple as "you have internalized shame about this subject and need to work on that, just draw whatever you like", which i've been told a lot. it's not entirely wrong, but it's far from the whole picture. it's having to tiptoe carefully around what will and won't set off thoughts in my head that will make me spiral out of control, curled up in a ball and unable to talk. or having to cope with the fact that people will inevitably take my work to be more horny than i ever intended, which cycles back to "tiptoeing carefully to not trigger myself". it's being reminded that people have repeatedly used my interests as an opportunity to body shame themselves, even when i try my hardest to discourage it.

for what it's worth - i really do understand that it's a sensitive subject for a lot of people, and i try to tread carefully knowing that. but i'm still very hurt over literally being prompted to gush about my special interests over and over, prodding me repeatedly even when i hesitated and resisted, only for it to be immediately twisted into opportunities for shaming and negativity every single time. i really wish people wouldn't offer to listen to me, knowing fully well it'll lead to spiraling. that just hurts us both.

every single time i try to work on anything lingerie-related, all of these thoughts immediately flood my head. it's kind of hard to squeeze joy out of it anymore. but i tried to for this drawing, just for myself. i tried really hard to not care about what other people might enjoy - just whatever struck my fancy.

anyway.

how about some sticky note sketches.

immediately i knew i wanted to work with a cool bodysuit. because i fucking LOVE cool bodysuits. i stumbled across one a while back, and it's been living in my mind ever since - the one on the left. "herve by celine-marie - ilucia halter bodysuit"

the way the lace trails along the body, like flowers blooming on a trellis - amazing. it's placed on mesh fabric close to the wearer's skintone - iirc, it comes in a variety of shades, from beige to dark brown - making the fabric barely detectable, and selling the illusion further. absolutely stunning! i'm a little obsessed.

i sketched that out a few weeks ago, and then...!!!! i got slammed with like 20000 doctor's appointments, splitting headaches, my joints getting easily tired and strained, and more. i could not sit down and focus on art whatsoever.

MISERY!!!!!!!!!!

i did manage to at least sketch out a composition though.

i wasn't really sure about the colors yet - idk, i could do whatever i wanted, so probably some deep rose tones. for a brief moment, i thought "ohhhh, what if i do intricate linework like i did for that rosemary drawing?" but uhhhhhhh about 15 minutes into doing linework my hand started cramping up.

so that seemed like a bad idea.

took some days to rest. tried to use my hands infrequently so i didn't strain them. had a few days away from my work PC, so i tried working on my laptop, which currently only has Krita installed, no Clip Studio. but between unfamiliar environments both irl and in programs... i just could not fucking focus. agony! misery! oh my god this is the only way i can feasibly work and i am unable to do NOTHING!!! i'm tired of sitting around!!! i want to make something!!!!

then as soon as i'm back at my work PC, i settle in to my comfy little safe corner and get to putting down colors. only took me a few hours. sweet relief at last...

for reference: the left image is what i tried to put together in Krita on my laptop, and then the right is after i worked on it for a few hours back on my work PC. the most obvious difference is that the colors are a lot more saturated - that's not the fault of my laptop's color calibration, imo, i'm just much less confident working in Krita atm and kept absentmindedly choosing really muted colors... lmao.

... hey, you know, i think that's the first time i've drawn a face halfway through putting down colors. i usually save it for dead last. (i really hate drawing faces. it's like eye contact! i'll die if i make eye contact!)

oh, i do have a theory about why drawing this way hurts my hands a lot less - fine linework requires precision and a lot of repetitive wrist movements, but if i draw with broad brushstrokes, it's easier for me to use my whole arm instead of my wrist, and make bigger strokes on my tablet. plus i'm only ever able to picture vague blobs of color in my head - drawing fine lines are so frustrating for me, i'll get hung up on them for hours because i can't fill in the blanks easily from my mind - so this way is just more intuitive to me anyway.

i did end up putting my own twist on the bodysuit design, though. i made the mesh fabric slightly more opaque - there's a unit of measurement for that, by the way! 0-10 denier defines very very sheer mesh fabric, while this is probably closer to 20 denier - just because i really like the look of it. the original garment i was inspired by had a raw edge at the neckline, which makes it easier to blend into the wearer's skin... but since i made the fabric darker, i thought a finished edge would look nicer. i think the black line frames things nicely, anyway.

ended up redrawing one hand and finally filling in the colors for the other hand. i didn't forget, i was just procrastinating because i knew i'd fixate too long on getting it just right.

then i wanted to add some other touches to the background - i added curtain ties and cherry blossoms to the background. after some very slight color adjustments (mostly a quick gradient map to make the pink tones pop a bit more), i figured... wait, i'm done? i think that's it. i think i might actually be done here.

huh.

wanna know why i added cherry blossoms, by the way? i kept thinking about a house i designed in ACNH... for a villager named Diana. :^)

the sight of the cherry blossom petals with the moon in the background got stuck in my brain and i knew i had to draw it at some point. so i guess i made my wishes come true!

this writeup ended up being just as complicated and bittersweet as i felt drawing it. lots of sad feelings. but lots of me indulging in something that i sincerely enjoy, too. i'm not really sure what i'll be working on next, or if i'll be still weighed down by external issues... but i know whatever i make next, it'll be something i can wholeheartedly embrace and enjoy.